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Nov. 20th, 2008

(no subject)

Last night I was stupid and started looking at Men's Health online, they teamed up with the guy who wrote "Eat This, Not That" and they have the 20 worst things to eat while eating out (you can find that here http://www.menshealth.com/eatthis/20-Worst-Foods/index.php) and quite honestly it made me sick. The worst thing to eat in America is some appetizer from Outback that contains french fries, cheese sauce and ranch dressing. It weighs in at 2,900 calories and 182 grams of fat! WTF? For an appetizer?!?! That's the equivlent of eating 14 Krispy Kreme Donuts, and even if you split that appetizer with three friends you might as well not even order a main course.

For someone who is constantly watching her weight, this really leaves me at a crossroads. Do I really ever want to eat out? Do I ever really want to travel ever again? Yeah its easy to say, just order off of the light menu, but from the research I was doing, most of those so called light entrees have way more calories than ANYTHING I make for dinner here at home. We like to go to On The Border a lot and five of their salads have over 1100 calories and the one that I usually get when I go has 750! 750 calories for a salad?!?! Wow.

The idea of putting the nutritional information on the menu's is a controversial subject because admittedly, its not the resturant's responsibility to be your conscience and tell you what you should and shouldn't eat, they aren't the reason why so many people in this country are overweight. At the same time though, how can someone make a responsible choice when it comes to chosing their dinner when they don't know where it stands nutrionally? There is really no reason why a salad should be 750 calories. It's a salad, it should be mostly veggies, and maybe some protien like cheese or a lean meat with the dressing on the side. It really irritates me when I go somewhere to find out that they have given my salad a bath in a metric buttload of dressing. Since working at TGI Friday's have become wise to this and order my dressing on the side regardless of where I am.

What also bothers me are kids menu's, with everyone having massive strokes about the amount of 100 pound two year olds in this country, you would think that they would have healthier options for the kids. I will admit that most places have done a pretty good job at adding healthy sides, but the main choices are pretty much the same everywhere: Mac N Cheese, Grilled Cheese, Chicken nuggets/fingers/planks, cheeseburgers and hot dogs. Two weeks ago we went to Johnny Carino's and we ordered Keegan some bowtie noodles with butter and they just poured on the clarified butter. I couldn't believe it! I actually tried to use my napkin to sop up some of the grease. I've worked in resturants before, I know that they don't just make a huge vat of pasta and sauce and dish it out before serving time. Would it seriously kill them to premeasure the oil/sauce before serving? It only takes a few minutes.

It really shouldn't be so hard to be able to eat healthy away from home. It's extremely absurd to think that I am going to spend the rest of my life at home, not traveling or having nights where I'm just not feeling like cooking. I am certainly not perfect, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life having anxiety attacks over how many calories I might have consumed,becausewith these places you never know anymore. I went to Panera on Monday to buy bread for dinner and treated myself to a latte that I later found out has 360 calories in it! Granted I am not sure if I really consumed that many calories since I ordered it with skim milk and without whipped cream, but if I would have known that I wouldn't have ordered it. At Starbucks, when I order a latte with skim milk and no whipped cream its about 150 calories.

Seriously though, what are we to do?

Nov. 5th, 2008

(no subject)

I realize that I don't post in this this like I thought that I would.  When I started this I was extremely gung ho and I was determined to lose weight and to fit into these jeans that I spent so much money on.  As the days and weeks went by I found that I wasn't making any progress.  I will admit that most of reason for that was because of the evil evil antidepressants that I was on.  They were making it damn near impossible to lose weight, I was counting every single point and exercising twice a day and I was gaining weight instead of losing it and I was becoming more depressed than I was when I started taking those pills.  Somebody tell me how that works.  But I refuse to place the blame solely on those pills.  I have made mistakes, I had purposely exercised a ton and cut back on my calories, and I even gorged myself on food because of the depression, only making me feel worse.

Through out myself, my stupid weight has taken center stage.  I remember being four years old and my grandmother taking me with her to a friends house and said friend offering me a cookie.  My grandmother looked at her and said that I couldn't have one because I had started my diet that day.  I was four years old! I didn't have any idea what that meant but I knew it was probably wasn't great.  I spent more years of my life being criticized by my mother over things that I would eat.  I would be asked sarcastically if I really needed what I was about to eat, or told that I shouldn't eat what I was about to eat because it was fattening.  Then middle school rolled around and I was referred to as 'Tubby' on a regular basis by a boy in my class and when I would cry to my mom about it, she would just shrug it off and tell me to stop whining because when boys did stuff that like it meant that they liked you.  Things finally came to a head when I was in high school and I was starting to become depressed about my moms illness.  Of course I had to find a boyfriend to help me escape from what was going on at home.  Just my luck, he was an abuser.  He never hit me, but he did what all abusers do which is find someones weakspot and manipulate it just right.  I was constantly having food shoved in my face, and dumbass me thought it was being done out of love.  You always feed the ones you love right?  Wrong, I was being fed because If I was overweight and had no self esteem or self worth, I wouldn't leave him.  To this day I can't believe that I was so stupid.

I have come to the realization that I need to treat this as you would treat an addiction.  Why not?  My obsession with my weight has impacted my life as such.  It's at the point where people can't stand being around me, hell I can't even stand being around me, and its putting a strain on my marriage which leads to more depression and misery.  When you're an alcoholic and you're depressed and miserable what do you? You drink.  If you're on drugs and you feel this way, you get high, when you smoke and feel this way you light up.  What do I do when I feel shitty?  I eat.  As much as I try not to, I end up comforting myself with chocolate, or something else.  And like the smoker, the drunk and addict, I think its going to make me feel better, and guess what?  I do, for maybe a split second, then I realize what I have done and I fall apart  feeling defeated and demoralized.  I have been trying so hard to stay "clean' these days that I have actually uttered the phrase "It's not good for my sobriety" when I was asked if I wanted to go to my aunts house.

I spend so much time feeling lost, confused, and unsupported its not even funny.  I know Chad's getting irritated with me, he's told me.  Constantly I feel like I'm being judged, by Chad, by my immediate family and the rest of society.  I know Chad is trying to understand me and trying to help but theres no way that he can understand what I am going through, he's never been fat.

Sitting here continuing to whine isn't going to make my situation better.  I know that I can lose weight, I have done it before and I will again.  Like an addiction I need to take this not day by day but second by second.  Ever second of my life is going to be a battle and I need to be there for the long haul and I need to survive. 

Sep. 15th, 2008

The 100 Push Up Challenge

I came across hundredpushups.com/index.htmlthrough a message board that I post on.  Chad and I have decided to do this because neither of us have ever really had any upper body strength.

Today was day 1 and because I can't do any good form (guys) push ups I am doing the girly type push ups because you have to start somewhere right?  I ended up doing the amount per level for only being able to do with in 0-5 push ups at one time before getting tired and by the time I got to the do as many I could without stopping I ended up doing 6!

Anyways my goal is to go through the six week program doing the girly types and one I am able to do 100 of those I am going to work on doing it all over again with the good form kind.  I cannot wait to finally have sexy arms!

xposted to kelly0182 

Sep. 2nd, 2008

A New Chapter

Guess where I'm going tonight? I'm going to Magee Women's Hospital, the hospital where I had Keegan, because my friend Megan had baby yesterday! I'm so excited to get to go and hold the new baby. It's also very emotional for me because just 355 days ago I was there with my new baby. Can you all believe its been almost a year since Keegan was born? I know I can't.

I know exactly whats going to happen. I'm going to go visit, see baby Charlie and immediately want another baby NOW. This is what happened when I went to visit my friend Amanda and her brand new baby girl (baby #4 mind you!) last month.

Babies and children are such blessings. If I could I would have as many as I could before my body crapped out. I just love being pregnant and I just want a loud chaotic house. I know it will be stressful but when I was growing up I always wanted to be a part of a large family. My brother didn't come along until I was almost 7 years old and so most of my childhood was so lonely. I had older cousins who were like sisters but it still didn't fill that void. It hurts me to remember that in my early years of college that I was deadset against having kids. Having Keegan has been the best experience of my life. Granted a stressful, messy, noisy and sometimes irritating experience, but it has been wonderful nevertheless.

Seriously, if I could I would start trying for another one right now. I know though that its not the right time. I need to recover from coming off of my meds and I need to finish losing the rest of my baby weight and the excess baggage that I have been carrying around. Its not fair to anyone if I try to get pregnant when I'm not in the best health that I can be. I don't want to be 7 months pregnant and unable to take care of my responsibilities around the house because I'm too heavy, thats not fair to Keegan or Chad, and its not fair to the new baby that I'm not in the best shape that I can be in.

Today is a new day.

Jun. 28th, 2008

Weigh In

Well I weighed in this morning.....

I stayed the same.

: /


Jun. 27th, 2008

(no subject)

 I will admit that I am not a religious person, hell I'm not even a positive person who even sometimes doesn't think highly of most people.  I'm the type of person who thinks every silver lining has dark thunder cloud.  Today, though I had something happen to me where I believe there is someone/something up there who sends Angels to Earth disguised a people.

Lately I have been having a very hard time with a lot of personal issues, one of which being my weight and having it creeping up, hence me buying a pair of 142.00 jeans and almost having my credit card chopped up by my husband.  It has been feeling like No matter how hard I try, that its for nothing I am destined to fail.

Anyways, I went to the mall today to meet up with some of my mommy friends for a mall walk since our stroller walk was cancelled and after we got together I had to run to the jewelry store to get my wedding and engagement rings inspected and cleaned so that the warranty would still be good.  While I was there I was asking about these clocks that were on the wall because there was one that Chad and I really liked and we were told that they had stopped making it.  While the lady who worked there was trying to find out if that was true, there was a girl who was painting the display windows who I had never seen before in my entire life.  She looks at me and said "Wow you look amazing, you have lost a ton of weight, have you been walking?" I kind of looked at her like I was a deer caught in the headlights and said "Who? Me?" and she said "Yeah" and I said "Yeah, thanks".

I was totally taken aback because here's this stranger telling me that I look awesome and that I look like I have lost a ton of weight and that I'm doing a great job.  Yeah, maybe she thought that I was someone else, but I really want to believe that she is one of these Angels that I was talking about.  Just sent to earth as a person to make things pleasant.  Now I was want to work twice as hard at what I have been doing, not just for the jeans, and not just for the praise of a stranger, but because I'm NOT a failure like I thought I was.  SOMEONE thinks That I am doing well and sometimes that's all you need to be inspired.  Regardless of what happened today, I'm walking a little taller with a little more faith in humanity. . .for once in my life.


Jun. 26th, 2008

Food/Exercise Journaly for 6-26-08

Fiber One Bar 2pts
Low Fat Cabot Cheese 1pt

English Muffin Pizza 4pt


Chocolate pudding 4pts
cookie 1.5

30 minute walk around neighborhood

Today's Goal

My goal today is to cut grass.  I figure thats a great way to not only make my yard look less like the amazon, but also to get in a work out today.

As for last nights goal...I did manage to eat my points but it was like pulling teeth.  It felt really wrong.  Here I was, I had eaten dinner and I was settled on the couch with a bowl of full fat chocolate ice cream and then I chased with a sandwich later.


I'm So Taking One Of These Classes

It's called Zumba and its one of the latest fitness crazes.  I found someone who teaches it not so far from my house and I don't have to join a gym or drive super far yay!

Jun. 25th, 2008

Food/Exercise Journal for 6-25-08

40 minute walk around neighborhood 3 apts

Fiber One Bar 2pt
low fat cabot cheese 1pt
1 c honey dew 1pt

English Muffin Pizza 4pt

Risotto 6pt

cookies 3pts
ice cream 7pts
sandwich 4pts

Points Target: 31pts
Points Consumed: 28
Activity Points: 3pts

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